Father Samuel:  Now I’d like to introduce you all to a new segment of the service that was recently started.  It’s been a big success the few times we’ve tried it.  It’s called “Father Samuel’s Fun with Fan Mail”.  (Father Samuel reaches behind his desk and pulls out a large mailbag that has the UPS logo on it.)  All of Father Samuel’s fan mail is delivered by the caring folks at UPS, because when it’s a question for God it’s got to go Brown.  (Father Samuel reaches into the bag and pulls out a letter.)  Our first letter comes to us from Bill Anderson.  Is Bill here today?  Oh there you are.  Stand up Bill.  Let’s all thank Bill for his letter.  Thanks Bill.  Bill writes, “Dear Father Samuel, I would like to thank you for attending dinner at our home last Sunday.  We all greatly enjoyed your company.  Susan was especially excited to take a ride with you in your new BMW.  She always wanted to ride in one.  And Billy wanted me to remind you that the big game against North East is in two weeks and ask if you could say a prayer for their victory.  My wife and I also wanted to extend an invitation to you, Father O’Brien, Father Pulaski, Father O’Neil, Deacon Lack, and Pastor Andrews to join us for Susan’s Graduation Party next Saturday.  She would be delighted if you could attend.  Sincerely, The Andersons.”  Well thank you Bill.  I can’t speak for the other clergy, but I can guarantee that I will be there, with my dancing shoes on.  (Father Samuel reaches in the bag for another letter.)

Our next letter is from Alan Stevens.  Alan writes to us from our sister parish in the next county.  Alan writes, “Dear Father Samuel, I am writing to you today in the hopes that you can clear up a misunderstanding that I had with my son, Steve Jr.  He’s in High School now, and he came home the other day talking about one of his English teachers, who told him that the Church began accepting money from corporations and other businesses because the sexual abuse scandals had caused attendance to drop so much and the Vatican was facing bankruptcy with all the out of court settlements it was paying to adult victims of child molestation.  I told my son that his teacher didn’t know what he was talking about.  I told him that the church was not to blame for the sins of a few misguided men nor was it going to go under because of them.  I was wondering what else I should tell him.  Please pray for his guidance.  Thank you, Alan Stevens.”    Well, Alan, I can do more than pray for his guidance.  I can also have a talk with Steven’s English teacher about the lies he spreads in his classroom.  I assure you and your son that the leaders of the cloth made a wise choice to embrace the generous hand of industry and commercial America and establish test parishes like this one to ensure not only the sanctuary of our faith but the promise of our salvation.  All that you see today and continue to see tomorrow is all thanks to the wonderful makers and merchants of products like Coke, Nike, and Dell computers.

Our last letter is from…Bewildered and Betrayed…well it seems to be an anonymous letter, most likely another parishioner squeamish about confession.  (Father Samuel opens the letter and looks at it below a furrowed brow.)  Well there is no letter here.  It appears to be just a series of old Bible references, no doubt from an outdated and unconfirmed version.  Bewildered writes.  “Mark, chapter ten verses twenty-three through twenty-seven, says, “And Jesus looking round, said to his disciples, ‘With what difficulty will they who have riches enter the kingdom of God…It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.’”  Luke, chapter sixteen verse thirteen, says, “No servant can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will stand by the one and despise the other.  You cannot serve God and money.”  Mark, chapter eleven verses fifteen through seventeen, says, “And they came to Jerusalem.  And he entered the temple, and began to cast out those who were selling and buying in the temple; and he overturned the tables of the moneychangers and the seats of those who sold doves.  He would not allow anyone to carry a vessel through the temple.  And he began to teach, saying to them, ‘Is it not written, ‘My house shall be called a house of prayer for all the nations’?  But you have made it a den of thieves.’”  Well I can only assume, because there is no explanation, that Mr. Bewildered intended for these passages to be interpreted as divine criticisms for our current situation.  But I do not find hesitation when I read Mr. Bewildered’s letter, because thanks to grants from Barnes and Noble Booksellers and Random House Publishing I know that these passages and many like them have been either revised or removed due to inaccuracy.  But I would like to thank Mr. Bewildered for his letter because it gives me another opportunity to show off some of the great work being done by our Vatican researchers.  The first reading from Mark, as you will find in your new abridged Bibles, is one of the revised selections that I mentioned.  It was discovered by our translators through the study of an outside source that “for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle” was actually an idiomatic expression used in Jesus’ time.  Does everyone know what an idiomatic expression is?  I sure didn’t until Father O’Brien told me.  An idiomatic expression is a phrase like “He foot the bill” or “We went Dutch” or “I asked for a ball-park figure.”  It’s a phrase that we understand, but in actuality doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.  In Jesus’ time if someone said, “A camel passed through the eye of a needle,” what they were really referring to was the hair of the camel, which is very thin and easily threaded through a needle.  This of course has been overlooked for centuries, because as the Bible was continually translated the meaning of this phrase was lost and subsequently the passage was also rewritten in order to fit the apparent meaning of the phrase.  That is why Jesus says that it is difficult for men with money, when in all likelihood he would have said easier.  Very cool, huh?

The reading from Luke is also very interesting.  In older printings of the Bible you will not find the word, money.  Instead it will say mammon, which essentially means riches. But what is now known is that the monks responsible for the original translation of the Bible into Latin did not realize that the Aramaic word mamona, meaning riches, was very close in spelling to the Hebrew slang word marona, meaning marijuana.  Whether there was a smudged on the original scroll or the word was intentionally changed to cover up the possible pot addiction of the disciples is still uncertain.  But what we do know is that Jesus was preaching about the evil of drug addiction rather than forbidding the acquisition of wealth. 

Lastly regarding the verse from Mark describing Jesus’ outburst in the temple, I would like to first point out that study of the Gospel of Mark has revealed that he is notorious for exaggerating and using second-hand accounts in his writing.  In fact our researchers, using an early version of the Gospel according to John, have discovered that the incident in question was no more than a minor dispute over change between Jesus and a dove merchant.  And as John notes in the passage, Mark was not even there that day.  Jesus had sent him to the house of an ill man to keep him company until he had arrived to heal him.  Speaking of healing.  I have probably told many of you about this already, but I just love talking about it so much that I’m going to tell it again.  For centuries theological scholars have believed that Jesus and his traveling troop of disciples lived off of fish and the kindness of strangers during the term of his ministry.  But thanks to the grant from Barnes and Noble Booksellers and Random House Publishing, Vatican researchers have discovered that Jesus was actually putting on shows and collecting money from the people who came to see him heal sick or injured people.  He also did private healing sessions for some of the wealthier families in Jerusalem.  But that’s how Jesus and the disciples afforded their extravagant lifestyle on the road.  Isn’t that fascinating?  Never thought those traveling street vendors with the miracle drugs came from such a noble tradition, did you? (At this point a man dressed completely in black clothes and a ski mask, rushes on stage with a baseball bat.  He runs to the Big Screen Televisions to attempt to destroy them when two large men, wearing black t-shirts that say Security on the back, grab the bat and escort him, kicking and murmuring incomprehensibly, offstage.)  I suppose that was Mr. Bewildered.  Let’s all thank Mr. Bewildered for his thought-provoking letter.  Thank you, Mr. Bewildered.  Today’s security guards are on loan from the Jerry Springer Show.  Catch Jerry tomorrow afternoon on channel Insert channel when his guests will be “Hermaphrodites and the Bi-Sexuals who love them.” 

                        We interrupt this scheduled service now with a special news bulletin.  (The following news bulletin can include some ad lib lines referring to current world, national or local events.  The following lines are mere suggestions.  They can be used and added to.)  In world news, services at the Vatican were canceled today when Pope Insert current Pope’s name fell in the shower and broke his hip.  Cardinal Insert a current Cardinal’s name is expected to preside over the Pope’s services until he has fully recovered…  In national news President Insert current President’s last name met with his cabinet member’s to discuss the plausibility of amending article 514 of the current budget to provide more funding to area churches that run soup kitchens and homeless shelters…  In local news Father Pulaski returned home last Wednesday after his knee replacement surgery.  He will resume his duties next month, and he thanks everyone for their prayers and kind thoughts…  In sports the Orioles, coming off an eight game losing streak, travel to New York to take on the Yankees in a four game series.  The O’s, who recently set a Major League record for most innings played without a base hit, will face off against Yankee Pitcher Insert current Yankee pitcher.  In financial news, the Dow Jones took another dramatic dive, closing at Friday’s bell more than fifty points lower than the week before.  The Nasdaq also experienced a similar drop, ending this week below last week by over one hundred points.  Analysts still have no explanation for these record low numbers in stock market history.  In related news, Chrismetech, a company involved in the manufacture and distribution of religious books, clothing, action figures, and many other products and services, enjoyed an unprecedented three month run atop Fortune Magazine’s most profitable company list.  When asked to comment, Fortune Magazine President Insert president’s last name remarked, “Religion is Big Business these days, and frankly I’m not surprised.”… Today’s high temperature will be in the eighties but will drop to the low 50’s this evening.  Partly cloudy all day.  Expect some light showers through to the evening and heavy fog tomorrow morning through the afternoon.  This special news bulletin was sponsored by The Weekly Herald, “Serving its local readers with more than a local look.”  We now return you to your regularly scheduled service.

                        I’d like to welcome our new catechuwomens to the altar now.  (Two beautiful and full-breasted women, wearing long, white cotton robes over top of bikinis, walk onto the altar pulling a large, decorated bathtub and a small inflatable swimming pool full of mud.  Father Samuel retrieves a microphone from his desk.)  Please let’s give a warm welcome to Candy and Amber.  (The applause sign on the back wall flashes.)  They have been studying extremely hard these last two months and are now prepared to accept Jesus into their lives and join in his ministry.  Aren’t you girls?  (Father Samuel points the microphone toward them.)

Candy &Amber:  Yes, Father.

Father Samuel:  Well, then, let’s begin shall we.  (Both Candy and Amber take off their robes to reveal their bikinis, and the applause sign on the back wall flashes.  The two women hand their robes to Father Samuel and step into the mud pool.)  The ceremony of Baptism for today’s catechumen and women may appear slightly different to many of you who were initiated as children into the Catholic faith, but we feel it more accurately represents the spirit of purification and renewal that it was meant to.  Candy and Amber are now going to enter this pool of mud and wrestle as a symbol of their past indulgence of sin and their present struggle against Satan and all of his evils.  (Candy and Amber now lunge at each other and wrestle for several minutes.  They should both appear very aggressive.  Father Samuel points the microphone in their direction to better pick up the grunting and moaning.  At the end Candy should pin Amber to the pool and tear her bikini top off, holding it victoriously over her head.  A bell should ding in the background, and the applause sign on the back wall should light up.  Both Candy and Amber should stand up in the mud pool.  Amber should be modestly cradling her breasts with her left arm.)  Today’s mud pool of vice and lust is sponsored by Angela’ Day Spa, who kindly provided herbal body and facial mud for this Baptism.  Now Candy and Amber will proceed to the baptismal font in order to symbolically turn away from their past immorality and fully cleanse themselves in the rich innocence of Jesus’ love.  (Candy and Amber both step into the bathtub, and a curtain is drawn.  The curtain should be transparent enough to see the outline of the two girls without revealing any inappropriate detail.  They should both sensuously bathe each other, erotically moaning and accepting the love of Jesus.)  While Candy and Amber are busy completing their plenary indulgence, I invite you all, at this time to renew your own baptismal promises.  Please respond by saying: “I do.”  Do you reject Satan?  I do.  And all his Socialist rhetoric?  I do.  Do you reject pyramid schemes?  I do.  And all they’re works?  I do.  And all they’re empty promises?  I do.  Do you believe in God, the Father almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth?  I do.  Do you believe in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord, who was born into this world and who suffered and died for our poverty and rose again in wealth and glory?  I do.  Do you believe in the Holy Spirit, the Holy Catholic Church, the partnership of the Saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body and wealth everlasting?  I do.  Having been buried with Christ unto death and raised up with Him unto a new life, do you promise to live no longer for others or for that world which is the enemy of God but for him who died for you and rose again, serving yourself, God, your heavenly Father, faithfully and unto death in the holy Catholic Church.  I do.  (Father Samuel now pulls back the shower curtain to reveal Candy and Amber sparklingly clean and giggling.)  Let’s have a warm round of applause for our newest inductees into our congregation.  They did a great job.  Candy and Amber.  (The applause sign on the back wall flashes again.)  Today’s baptismal water was provided by Aquafina, because if it’s a question of purity “nothing compares to the clean taste of Aquafina.”  (Candy and Amber should retrieve their robes from Father Samuel, kiss him on the cheek and remove the baptismal font and the swimming pool from the altar.  Father Samuel takes his seat behind his desk.)  Before I introduce today’s guests, I’d like to bring out a close personal friend of the church, who we’re going to help out today.  She’s been a member of this congregation for over seven years, and her father was a loyal supporter long before that.  Please welcome Mrs. Smith to the altar.  (The applause sign on the back wall flashes, and Mrs. Smith, an attractive woman in her late thirties, approaches the altar.  Father Samuel meets her in front of his desk, invites her to be seated, and returns to his own seat.)  How are you today, Mrs. Smith?

Mrs. Smith:  Well, Father, I hope I’ll be doing a lot better after today’s service.

Father Samuel:  What seems to be the problem? 

Mrs. Smith:  To be brief and embarrassingly honest, I think my husband is possessed by some sort of demon.

Father Samuel:  Interesting, and what led you to believe such a thing?

Mrs. Smith:  Well, he has been spending a lot less money lately.

Father Samuel:  Hmmm.

Mrs. Smith:  And he has been coming home early from work in order to spend more time with the children.

Father Samuel:  Not spending enough time in the office making money, huh?

Mrs. Smith:  Last night I called his financial advisor, and he looked up Steven’s investment portfolio.  He told me that Steven hasn’t made a trade in over a month.

Father Samuel:  I can see why you are concerned.  Let’s get Mr. Smith out here and see what he has to say about all this.  Please welcome Mr. Smith.  (The applause sign flashes, and Mr. Smith approaches the altar.  He is a bit older than Mrs. Smith and dressed in a worn and ripped sweat suit, a sweat-stained headband, and a pair of holy and untied tennis shoes.  As he walks onto the altar he is aggressively challenging the audience.)

Mr. Smith:  What?  I’m fine.  I feel great.  I’m not possessed.  Do I look possessed to you?  No demons here, just a pure blooded all-American man trying to enjoy the fruit of his labor.  Money isn’t everything.

Father Samuel:  Hello, Mr. Smith.  How are you feeling?

Mr. Smith:  I feel fine.  I feel like none of this is necessary.  There’s nothing wrong with enjoying my life, you know.  I worked hard all my life to get to where I am, and I am tired of missing out on it.  I just need a vacation from it all for a while.  Is that too much to ask?  (Father Samuel and Mrs. Smith share a look of mutual assurance.)

Father Samuel:  That sounds like the Satan’s empty nonsense to me, Steven.  Idle hands are the Devil’s helpers.

Mr. Smith:  Whatever, I don’t care.  I’m so sure I’m not possessed that I’ll go along with whatever you’ve got planned. 

Father Samuel:  You’re willing then to allow Father O’Brien and the other visiting clergy to perform the Ceremony of Exorcism?

Mr. Smith:  Yeah, whatever, you have to do. Just get it over with.  (Men in priestly garb escort Mr. and Mrs. Smith off of the altar.)

Father Samuel:  We’ll check in with them a little later on in the service...